i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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