fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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