Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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