I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
