whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
