hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
