there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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