how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
