Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
