Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
