Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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