My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
