ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
