I CAN MOONWALK!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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