The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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