Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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