3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
