best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
