too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
