I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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