Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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