turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
