That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
