Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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