pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
