Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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