I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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