Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
