I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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