I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
