i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
