WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
