1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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