he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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