Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
