How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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