he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
