The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize