The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
