woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We were destined to go to rehab together
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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