Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
