if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
