You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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