I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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