The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
