i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
