he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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