So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
