I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
