and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
