I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
