she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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