Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
